Yeah, I took a break. But I'm back to my blog, because once again online adoptionland has proven too perilous and unsafe for free expression. I've been tweeting for a while, and had started to enjoy it quite a bit... until once again the barrage of adoption/relinquisher apologists emerged from the woodwork. Once again, I'm not being kind enough, they say. Once again, I'm not sympathetic enough. Once again, I need to take some time to mature and understand relinquisher pain. This shoved in my face by adoptees, many of whom are not now and have never been in reunion with any bios.
When it comes to knowing your own story well enough to be able to separate it from the adoption narrative as a whole, I think some form of reunion is a necessity. And being able to separate your personal experience from the adoption narrative as a whole is a necessity. Otherwise you spend all your time bogged down in equivocations and #notall, and any general, philosophical conversation is rendered impossible.
Not only do our personal details get in the way of generalized discourse, but also the embargo on certain subjects in relation to certain topics. For instance, on the subject of coercion vs. choice, there is a ban on discussion of the subject of the series of choices that were made that led one to be in a position of relinquishment. I. E.: sexual choices, relationship choices, familial choices, et cetera, are off limits. It's "slut shaming" or "none of [your] business".
None of my business? The series of circumstances and decisions that led to my adoption, and thusly the ruination of my life, is "none of my business"? I beg to differ. Those circumstances and decisions ARE my business, and are NOT safe from examination and scrutiny. And if you tell one you had no choice, but one can examine your choices and see that is false, expect to be called on it.
Another all-too-common misunderstanding I've come across of late: members of the "triad" who seem to think that public access platforms, like Twitter and Instagram, are "support groups" and "safe spaces" for them to do therapy work or air their dirty laundry about their adopted or relinquished children. By definition, a public access platform is NOT a safe space for any of those things. Even if you have your feed restricted and your posts hidden, it's out there. Some of you have me blocked. Guess what? I still read your feed, screen shot your bullshit, and talk about it in my private group (that's an ACTUAL safe space, hidden from search and closed admission). On public access platforms, there's literally nothing you can do to hide from those who call you on your shit.
That's why the wiser adoptees stick to closed spaces for sticky discussion (unless they are like me and have vowed to bleed on public ground), and most APs learn well enough to hide their ugly hypocritical lies in closed spaces and private forums, where they create echo chambers of dishonesty and privilege. Relinquishers have their private rooms as well, where they're free to whine about how unfair it all is and how mean we all are. Closed spaces. Spaces where one might reasonably expect some discretion in what's done with their posts. Spaces where they can show their nastiness and be congratulated for it like they want to be.
If you can't handle dissenting opinions, frankness (that may border on cruelty depending on how soft your sensibilities are), or the fact that not everyone is going to pat you despite what your individual experience may be, then maybe, just maybe, posting your pain on a public access platform isn't the wisest of plans.
In other words, if you can't accept that some of us aren't going to feel sorry for, or coddle, all the mommies because of what happened to yours, you don't need to come in my feed and spout when I talk about mothers. When we're discussing the conflation of the choices to abort, parent, or relinquish, the opinion that there is no choice for relinquishers in adoption is off topic and quite frankly exhausting. Know your audience. Know your platform. And know that a public access website is probably not the best place to garner unfettered support.
If you want rubber baby bumpers on your corners, find a room that already has them installed, because you're not putting bumpers on me.
When it comes to knowing your own story well enough to be able to separate it from the adoption narrative as a whole, I think some form of reunion is a necessity. And being able to separate your personal experience from the adoption narrative as a whole is a necessity. Otherwise you spend all your time bogged down in equivocations and #notall, and any general, philosophical conversation is rendered impossible.
Not only do our personal details get in the way of generalized discourse, but also the embargo on certain subjects in relation to certain topics. For instance, on the subject of coercion vs. choice, there is a ban on discussion of the subject of the series of choices that were made that led one to be in a position of relinquishment. I. E.: sexual choices, relationship choices, familial choices, et cetera, are off limits. It's "slut shaming" or "none of [your] business".
None of my business? The series of circumstances and decisions that led to my adoption, and thusly the ruination of my life, is "none of my business"? I beg to differ. Those circumstances and decisions ARE my business, and are NOT safe from examination and scrutiny. And if you tell one you had no choice, but one can examine your choices and see that is false, expect to be called on it.
Another all-too-common misunderstanding I've come across of late: members of the "triad" who seem to think that public access platforms, like Twitter and Instagram, are "support groups" and "safe spaces" for them to do therapy work or air their dirty laundry about their adopted or relinquished children. By definition, a public access platform is NOT a safe space for any of those things. Even if you have your feed restricted and your posts hidden, it's out there. Some of you have me blocked. Guess what? I still read your feed, screen shot your bullshit, and talk about it in my private group (that's an ACTUAL safe space, hidden from search and closed admission). On public access platforms, there's literally nothing you can do to hide from those who call you on your shit.
That's why the wiser adoptees stick to closed spaces for sticky discussion (unless they are like me and have vowed to bleed on public ground), and most APs learn well enough to hide their ugly hypocritical lies in closed spaces and private forums, where they create echo chambers of dishonesty and privilege. Relinquishers have their private rooms as well, where they're free to whine about how unfair it all is and how mean we all are. Closed spaces. Spaces where one might reasonably expect some discretion in what's done with their posts. Spaces where they can show their nastiness and be congratulated for it like they want to be.
If you can't handle dissenting opinions, frankness (that may border on cruelty depending on how soft your sensibilities are), or the fact that not everyone is going to pat you despite what your individual experience may be, then maybe, just maybe, posting your pain on a public access platform isn't the wisest of plans.
In other words, if you can't accept that some of us aren't going to feel sorry for, or coddle, all the mommies because of what happened to yours, you don't need to come in my feed and spout when I talk about mothers. When we're discussing the conflation of the choices to abort, parent, or relinquish, the opinion that there is no choice for relinquishers in adoption is off topic and quite frankly exhausting. Know your audience. Know your platform. And know that a public access website is probably not the best place to garner unfettered support.
If you want rubber baby bumpers on your corners, find a room that already has them installed, because you're not putting bumpers on me.
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