Probably the most problematic aspect of the adoption world.
Your desire. Your "need" for a child. Your selfishness and entitlement, thinking you"deserve" one. You want one so badly you're willng to borrow against your assets, beg from strangers, and steal from expectant mothers. You're willing to pay tens of thousands of dollars to rent a womb or buy a newborn that is probably very much wanted by its mother. To pay to strip a child of its name and family, so you can paste yours in its place and play pretend.
Because you want a child. Because you want to "be a parent". Because somewhere along the way, society (especially wealthy white christian society), convinced itself that parenthood is a panacea, a purpose, a path to fulfillment, a happy ending. The be-all, end-all of life.
I've got news for you. Parenting isn't all love and hugs, some "grand adventure". Parenting isn't "a lifelong friendship with your child". Parenting is urine and feces and vomit down your shirt. Parenting is saying "no" and "stop that" and nodding patiently in petulant, hate-filled young faces. Parenting is saying the same thing 18,000 times and still not being heard. It's worrying about cash, loads of groceries, and mountains of laundry. It's sleepless nights, emergencies, bills you can't afford, and dirty work. It's endless. It's thankless. And no, they won't be "grateful" until A) they have kids, or B) you're dead. And sometimes not even then.
Someone once asked what it was like to have kids. A friend replied, "take everything you own that you even remotely like and smash it with a hammer." That isn't too far off.
And the aforementioned "it's all worth it" riff is what we parents repeat like a mantra to make all the stench and dirt and work seem worthwhile. Because we have to, or we'd quit. PARENTING IS FUCKING HARD, even when the child does belong with you.
Now do you want to talk about the added trouble of parenting an adoptee? No, I'll just bet you don't, but we're going to touch on it anyway. Adoption is a particularly problematic parenting path. In addition to all the aforementioned "beauty of parenting", you have a child That has suffered an unfathomable loss. The kind of loss that destroys fully cognizant, capable adults. These children have trauma, anxiety, panic attacks, dissociation, fits of rage, C-PTSD, self esteem issues, nightmares, toilet issues, food issues, issues with trust, loyalty, and love. They'll never feel safe; if you're five minutes late picking them up they will believe you're not coming back for them. They'll yell at you, insult you, mouth off to you, test you, push you, and hate you. They know they're disposable. They know they don't count. And when it comes down to it, We Always Know We're Not People Like Everyone Else. So if you're looking to adopt to fulfill your dream of a happy, idyllic family, you're looking in the wrong place. Adoption is pain, confusion, and soul-deep unrest.
Now to your desire for a child, you're "entitled to parent", you "deserve a family", and how you're a "good person who just wants to help" or "just wants to love a child". Let's unpack this once and for all.
1. Your desire is just that. A desire. A want. A little bit of selfishness disguised as a need and often altruism. It's very similar, I'm afraid, to a spoilt child's insatiable desire for the pretty dolly in the window. I don't know if you didn't learn from life's disappointments, if your mama never taught you, or if you just straight up ignored the Rolling Stones, but You Can't Always Get What You Want. "Wanting a family" doesn't entitle you to someone else's child, or to some donor DNA/surrogacy ethical mess the child has to sort out later in life. You aren't entitled to inflict damage on another human being to fulfill your own desires.
2. No one "deserves" a family or children. It's not a matter of entitlement or a path to fulfillment. Family is not a "need". It's a luxury many of us are not afforded. And while I'd like to posit that the universe or a diety preordains who among us will be in a position to reproduce, I really think it's more a matter of natural selection or random chance.
3. In the US/Canada, infants are bought and sold like commodities before they're even born. It's called "making an adoption plan" and its a highly coercive and unethical practice. HAPs, usually wealthy infertile white christians, pay anywhere from $15,000-$65,000 to be "matched with" an expectant mother who's been verbally abused into thinking she's not good enough to raise her own child. Usually close to birth, which everyone knows is one of the worst times for a woman to be making life altering decisions. Her infant is permanently removed from her care usually less than 72 hours after birth. They don't want that bond to kick in fully before they have a signed TPR, now do they? No, they CERTAINLY don't!
In the UK, children are removed at much higher rates than necessary, under the guise of bogus claims of neglect and "risk of future emotional harm". The latter is just UK social worker-ese for, "We succeeded in getting one of your kids, and now we want to make sure we get the rest. As soon as theyre born. Because theyre more "adoptable" that way." Make no mistake, cash is changing hands for these kids, even if it's in the form of government subsidies. Not to mention the overwhelming number of demanding HAPs, the demand for those"adoptable" children, and the fact that parliament has decided it's cheaper to remove kids and adopt them out than it is to provide support to their families to keep them in the home.
These kids aren't "orphans". They aren't "unwanted". They don't need "loving families" or to be "saved". They need their families to be supported in healthy parenting.
4. Multiple accredited studies have shown that children do better in less than perfect biological homes than they do in idyllic adoptive homes. Abandonment and being raised by strangers is no joke.
5. If you really feel the need to nurture a child, then do it in an ethical way. Find a child that actually needs you. It will not be an infant or toddler. Preserve their identity and connections and
establish Permanent Legal Guardianship or get a Special Guardianship Order. You have all the same legal rights and responsibilities to the child, but they don't suffer violations to their basic human rights so you can feel entitled to be called "mommy". Being raised by strangers is hard enough without being steeped in lies as well.
6.; Intent vs. impact. As a parent you must consider how every action affects your child. It doesn't matter how good your intentions are, if your actions result in damage to your child. Adoption, donor/ surrogacy situations inflict damage on a child.
No one "deserves" to be a parent any more than anyone "deserves" to be rich. Some get it through hard work, some get lucky, and some don't get it at all. If you are one who doesn't get it at all, the most graceful, ethical, compassionate thing you can do is deal with that fact, instead of inflicting pain on a child to alleviate your own.
Your desire. Your "need" for a child. Your selfishness and entitlement, thinking you"deserve" one. You want one so badly you're willng to borrow against your assets, beg from strangers, and steal from expectant mothers. You're willing to pay tens of thousands of dollars to rent a womb or buy a newborn that is probably very much wanted by its mother. To pay to strip a child of its name and family, so you can paste yours in its place and play pretend.
Because you want a child. Because you want to "be a parent". Because somewhere along the way, society (especially wealthy white christian society), convinced itself that parenthood is a panacea, a purpose, a path to fulfillment, a happy ending. The be-all, end-all of life.
I've got news for you. Parenting isn't all love and hugs, some "grand adventure". Parenting isn't "a lifelong friendship with your child". Parenting is urine and feces and vomit down your shirt. Parenting is saying "no" and "stop that" and nodding patiently in petulant, hate-filled young faces. Parenting is saying the same thing 18,000 times and still not being heard. It's worrying about cash, loads of groceries, and mountains of laundry. It's sleepless nights, emergencies, bills you can't afford, and dirty work. It's endless. It's thankless. And no, they won't be "grateful" until A) they have kids, or B) you're dead. And sometimes not even then.
Someone once asked what it was like to have kids. A friend replied, "take everything you own that you even remotely like and smash it with a hammer." That isn't too far off.
And the aforementioned "it's all worth it" riff is what we parents repeat like a mantra to make all the stench and dirt and work seem worthwhile. Because we have to, or we'd quit. PARENTING IS FUCKING HARD, even when the child does belong with you.
Now do you want to talk about the added trouble of parenting an adoptee? No, I'll just bet you don't, but we're going to touch on it anyway. Adoption is a particularly problematic parenting path. In addition to all the aforementioned "beauty of parenting", you have a child That has suffered an unfathomable loss. The kind of loss that destroys fully cognizant, capable adults. These children have trauma, anxiety, panic attacks, dissociation, fits of rage, C-PTSD, self esteem issues, nightmares, toilet issues, food issues, issues with trust, loyalty, and love. They'll never feel safe; if you're five minutes late picking them up they will believe you're not coming back for them. They'll yell at you, insult you, mouth off to you, test you, push you, and hate you. They know they're disposable. They know they don't count. And when it comes down to it, We Always Know We're Not People Like Everyone Else. So if you're looking to adopt to fulfill your dream of a happy, idyllic family, you're looking in the wrong place. Adoption is pain, confusion, and soul-deep unrest.
Now to your desire for a child, you're "entitled to parent", you "deserve a family", and how you're a "good person who just wants to help" or "just wants to love a child". Let's unpack this once and for all.
1. Your desire is just that. A desire. A want. A little bit of selfishness disguised as a need and often altruism. It's very similar, I'm afraid, to a spoilt child's insatiable desire for the pretty dolly in the window. I don't know if you didn't learn from life's disappointments, if your mama never taught you, or if you just straight up ignored the Rolling Stones, but You Can't Always Get What You Want. "Wanting a family" doesn't entitle you to someone else's child, or to some donor DNA/surrogacy ethical mess the child has to sort out later in life. You aren't entitled to inflict damage on another human being to fulfill your own desires.
2. No one "deserves" a family or children. It's not a matter of entitlement or a path to fulfillment. Family is not a "need". It's a luxury many of us are not afforded. And while I'd like to posit that the universe or a diety preordains who among us will be in a position to reproduce, I really think it's more a matter of natural selection or random chance.
3. In the US/Canada, infants are bought and sold like commodities before they're even born. It's called "making an adoption plan" and its a highly coercive and unethical practice. HAPs, usually wealthy infertile white christians, pay anywhere from $15,000-$65,000 to be "matched with" an expectant mother who's been verbally abused into thinking she's not good enough to raise her own child. Usually close to birth, which everyone knows is one of the worst times for a woman to be making life altering decisions. Her infant is permanently removed from her care usually less than 72 hours after birth. They don't want that bond to kick in fully before they have a signed TPR, now do they? No, they CERTAINLY don't!
In the UK, children are removed at much higher rates than necessary, under the guise of bogus claims of neglect and "risk of future emotional harm". The latter is just UK social worker-ese for, "We succeeded in getting one of your kids, and now we want to make sure we get the rest. As soon as theyre born. Because theyre more "adoptable" that way." Make no mistake, cash is changing hands for these kids, even if it's in the form of government subsidies. Not to mention the overwhelming number of demanding HAPs, the demand for those"adoptable" children, and the fact that parliament has decided it's cheaper to remove kids and adopt them out than it is to provide support to their families to keep them in the home.
These kids aren't "orphans". They aren't "unwanted". They don't need "loving families" or to be "saved". They need their families to be supported in healthy parenting.
4. Multiple accredited studies have shown that children do better in less than perfect biological homes than they do in idyllic adoptive homes. Abandonment and being raised by strangers is no joke.
5. If you really feel the need to nurture a child, then do it in an ethical way. Find a child that actually needs you. It will not be an infant or toddler. Preserve their identity and connections and
establish Permanent Legal Guardianship or get a Special Guardianship Order. You have all the same legal rights and responsibilities to the child, but they don't suffer violations to their basic human rights so you can feel entitled to be called "mommy". Being raised by strangers is hard enough without being steeped in lies as well.
6.; Intent vs. impact. As a parent you must consider how every action affects your child. It doesn't matter how good your intentions are, if your actions result in damage to your child. Adoption, donor/ surrogacy situations inflict damage on a child.
No one "deserves" to be a parent any more than anyone "deserves" to be rich. Some get it through hard work, some get lucky, and some don't get it at all. If you are one who doesn't get it at all, the most graceful, ethical, compassionate thing you can do is deal with that fact, instead of inflicting pain on a child to alleviate your own.
Once again you have nailed it! This should be published as well as your other blogs. Your writing is honest and honors the plight of adoptees. Thank you so very very much for being a brave and open voice for adoption truths! I respect and look up to you immensely. You inspire me to continue being an activist for adoptee rights and advocate for truth and transparency in a broken/corrupt institution.
ReplyDeleteBarn Wheway: hear, hear!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this. I had no idea what adoption was like from an adoptee's position. It's never really spoken about from the child's view, always the adoptive parent or biological parent. As a society we're sold the story that 'adoption is best for the child'.
ReplyDeleteI just peed a little. I think I'm in love.
ReplyDeleteI would only add that no one has a right to a child. Everyone has the right to not face discrimination in an ethical adoption process, outlined above. But no one has the right to have a child.
ReplyDelete