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Adoptive Parent Fragility (Again)

Because, yes, it does need to be addressed again, and this time in more general terms. 

ADOPTERS: Listen and listen well, because I have no intention of rewriting this blog again in Positive Adoption Language to suit your tender sensibilities.

Firstly, allow me to reiterate a question from the previous incarnation of this blog. How do you expect to raise an adoptee when you can't even talk to one online? Really. Riddle me this, because I want to know.

When we're little, it's easier. We don't snap back. We're content with the small proofs of love and permanence. Frankly, it's easier for us to believe and pretend, and that makes it easier for you. It allows you, for a time, to push it out of your mind. The questions are easier to answer. You get to sugar coat and leave things out. You get "Mommy, I love you" and gratitude. You get fits of insecurity, tantrums thrown out of fear or frustration. It happens to disenfranchised little people who have no words for pre-verbal trauma.

But you do. You have the words, because we adult adoptees give them to you freely.

And as much as I slap your pleas for sympathy around, I do know how hard it is to parent an adoptee. I am a particularly contentious example of one. Imagine what the poor woman who purchased me as a last resort due to infertility had to go through on my account!

Because we grow up, you see. We grow up and realize Santa isn't real, the fairy tales lose their shine, and we figure out there is no adoption "happily ever after".

And what happened to the poor fragile infertile who raised me? She broke, adopters. Her brittleness and fragility couldn't stand against the tidal wave of my teenage rage and grief, and she cracked under the pressure. She rehomed me into private residential care. In addition, because she couldn't accept my inability to conform to her ideals, we didn't speak another civil word until the day she died. Is that what you want? These tiny strangers you love so much (make no mistake, I know you do love them) to turn on you? To break you? To walk away from you, because you can't handle their ugly truths? All these things can be yours in fragility.

There is a price to be paid for comfort.

Lately there's been a horrible seeping rash of adopters who "want to listen and learn from adoptees, but disapprove of our methods". They say we are "intentionally cruel to adopters just trying to do their best".

Two things.

Number one: YOU DO NOT GET TO DICTATE WHAT TONE THE MARGINALIZED USE TO ADDRESS YOU FROM YOUR SEAT OF PRIVILEGE.

Number two: How is it "doing your best" when you tone police, silence, block, delete, abuse, troll, and harass those of us who dare to speak frankly as the voice of lived experience?  How is it "doing your best" to sit by and let your fellow adopters do the same? How is refusing to take in the pulp of the message instead of getting hung up on presentation "doing your best"?

Hint: It's not. And your abject refusal to hear any adoptee perspective that doesn't jive with your preconcieved ideas about adoption and adoptees? That's not "doing your best" either.

It's a hard pill to swallow, I know. It sticks in the throat. I hate having to do it myself. It is unpleasant and often painful to have to admit that we are wrong. But we do it. We look ourselves in the face, admit we are wrong, and then do something about it.

How about you try standing with adoptees, instead of parking indefinitely in an adversarial head-to-head with us? How about adding your voices to our fight for equal rights, instead of participating in our systemic oppression? I know it's more comfortable for you to stick with what you've been told and shut out unpleasant perspectives. I know that you don't like our language, our approach, or the way we talk to you. (I bet you're expecting some form of apology here, but don't hold your breath.)

You don't have to like how we say what we have to say. What you need to be concerned with is taking it in. Storing up this knowledge and these unvarnished truths for the time when you do need them to help the child(ren) you adopted cope. The time will come. It always does. No one is immune. No one is the exception. Not even you. 

I know 100% that you don't want to hear this, but you are part of the problem. Your fragility, need for validation, cognitive dissonance, and discomfort in your own culpability in all this pain inflicted on children causes you to stagnate. You fight and scream. You whine and whinge. You demand niceness and proper tone. You push back and silence. You block so you don't have to listen, because heaven forbid you face your own mistakes for the sake of the child you love so much.

And you stagnate. You perpetuate the exact outcomes you are so eager to avoid when you cut yourself off from the only people who know what it's really like. The ones who've lived it, the ones who've mustered up enough courage and fortitude to say it out loud. Repeatedly. Despite all the abusive nastiness thrown at us. Because you lot still aren't listening. 

This isn't to say you're hopeless. If you can set aside your destructive fragility and selfish needs and listen, really hear adult adoptees... if you can take in what we're trying to tell you not only about our families but also about the industry and adoption itself, you can begin to make a difference.

Then you will be heard. Then you will be validated. And you won't need us to tell you. You'll see it in your adoptee, in the support you receive from the adoptee community in general. Then you will know.

When will adopters realize their fragility, their inability or refusal to listen and change, is what prevents them from being better adoptive parents than the uninformed, ignorant people that raised us? Ours had an excuse, no information, no teaching, no support, no adult adoptees to teach them. Modern day adopters have a plethora of these resources at their fingertips. What will be their excuse for their completely avoidable, faulty parenting?

Comments

  1. You use lots of intersectional language. I guess you conform to this worldview. This blog is another useful reminder to educate my children about this toxic mindset that has no grace. I wasn't aware that it could also be applied to adoption so thank you.

    I hope this is not pointless in saying but I do hope you manage to find some happiness. Intersectional adherents seem to enjoy despising others but there is another way. I think you think how you feel is mainly about adoption but you are confirming to an intersectional world view. If you get out of your ideological bubble you may discover hope, forgiveness and contentment

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rebekah, exactly what was said here that is so toxic? - Fellow AP

      Delete
    2. Rebekah,

      Rather than listening as requested, thanks again for telling us how we should feel about our own lived experiences.

      Thanks for illustrating the point.

      Delete
  2. Can you just be quiet and listen??? Apparently not. *sigh*

    ReplyDelete
  3. Rebekah I don’t find anything toxic about her mindset. Your response to this honest and truthful blog is bizarre and dismissive. What she wrote is pure honesty and her truth. Speaking your truth can never be toxic.

    I’m also certain that the writer has plenty of happiness in her life. Because this truth is painful, doesn’t mean that the rest of her life lacks happiness. In fact, it’s most certainly the complete opposite.

    Please think before writing such ignorant and dismissive comments that further marginalize adoptees. It’s shameful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I have never understood how to handle the passive agressive Rebekahs.

      Delete
    2. I'm an adoptive parent who just found your blog. Thank you for your honestly and ability to articulate what you've gone through and are going through. I hope I can learn from your words.

      Delete

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