Maybe you're "done with adoption". Maybe you're "at peace" with your adoptive issues. Maybe the abuses to our humanity, abuses that continue to be inflicted on children daily, don't bother you anymore. Maybe you've "forgiven" your perpetrators. Perhaps the percieved "negativity" and justified "anger" are now tiresome to you.
Well, please accept apologies from the rest of us. We're sorry we didn't heal at your pace. We're sorrier still that we just aren't as enlightened as you are.
Have you ever noticed that, cribmates? The ones who are "at peace", have "forgiven", and "choose happiness and positivity" are a bunch of superior assholes? Yes, they've "forgiven" those who wronged them. Yet they can't seem to help but belittle those who haven't or don't intend to. They're "at peace"; so much so, that they feel the need to scold everyone who isn't and suggest therapy to those they consider "too angry". They were suddenly able to "let it go and move on with my life", and they seem to instantly forget that just a few short months ago they sounded just like you, and hearted your posts with everyone else.
However much one grows or changes, it doesn't justify this kind of superiority. But it seems they all come in the room with the condescending "everyone here is too angry" or the sanctimonious, "when you get there, you'll understand".
And maybe it's true. Maybe I will. Doesn't make it okay that you're being an asshole about it.
To be honest, I understand now. (Even with all my "impotent, misdirected anger", something an enlightened adoptee informed me of.) I'm coming to my own form of evolution. However, I actively try not to condescend to adoptees in pain or those "behind me on the path" (if there is such a thing). I try to offer them the understanding of, I've been there, I know how it felt to me. I don't "vague guru" them with "choosing forgiveness" or "you'll understand when you get there". I might offer up inappropriate humor, "it does get better", or "this is what I did to cope". I actively try not to place myself above any other adoptee in these woods by suggesting they should get therapy or rush through their process. Nor do I expect anyone to heal at my pace. And am I stuck? I absolutely am not. But a change in my emotional state doesn't necessarily correlate with an alteration in my communication style or my expectations of adoptionland or its residents.
I also have very little tolerance for certain areas of adoptionland. I am entitled to make those boundaries to keep myself healthy while I deal with my C -PTSD and a generous helping of narcissistic abuse. IN PUBLIC.
Back to the point at hand, riddle me this. If one is so "at peace", why is one hanging about adoption support groups, talking down to the unhappies? "Well, I'm at peace, but I still have issues with adoption!" That's rather antithetical to being at peace, now isn't it? In addition, why are they belittling and scolding those who speak of being less-than-happy? Why does it bother them that some aren't there yet, or that our recovery doesn't look like theirs? Why are less-than-peaceful adoptees accused of wallowing and being stuck because they (we) are still wading through the pool of sewage that is adoption?
The whole "when you reach the other side, you'll understand" thing is simply holier-than-thou. It's conjures images of looking down noses, pointing fingers, and patting our petulant little heads, tolerating our outrageous nonsense until we "arrive" at some form of "enlightenment" or "moving on".
I don't claim to be perfect. I am dealing with my adoption in the public sphere, so that those the need to see it need only look. I have and will surely continue to make mistakes. I want to show other adoptees that it's okay to feel how you feel even if it's ugly and shattering. I'm not on a quest for peace of mind; I'm not sure I believe in it, and wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it. What I do know I believe is this: THE WAY OUT IS THROUGH. Not around, not below, and certainly not above.
Well, please accept apologies from the rest of us. We're sorry we didn't heal at your pace. We're sorrier still that we just aren't as enlightened as you are.
Have you ever noticed that, cribmates? The ones who are "at peace", have "forgiven", and "choose happiness and positivity" are a bunch of superior assholes? Yes, they've "forgiven" those who wronged them. Yet they can't seem to help but belittle those who haven't or don't intend to. They're "at peace"; so much so, that they feel the need to scold everyone who isn't and suggest therapy to those they consider "too angry". They were suddenly able to "let it go and move on with my life", and they seem to instantly forget that just a few short months ago they sounded just like you, and hearted your posts with everyone else.
However much one grows or changes, it doesn't justify this kind of superiority. But it seems they all come in the room with the condescending "everyone here is too angry" or the sanctimonious, "when you get there, you'll understand".
And maybe it's true. Maybe I will. Doesn't make it okay that you're being an asshole about it.
To be honest, I understand now. (Even with all my "impotent, misdirected anger", something an enlightened adoptee informed me of.) I'm coming to my own form of evolution. However, I actively try not to condescend to adoptees in pain or those "behind me on the path" (if there is such a thing). I try to offer them the understanding of, I've been there, I know how it felt to me. I don't "vague guru" them with "choosing forgiveness" or "you'll understand when you get there". I might offer up inappropriate humor, "it does get better", or "this is what I did to cope". I actively try not to place myself above any other adoptee in these woods by suggesting they should get therapy or rush through their process. Nor do I expect anyone to heal at my pace. And am I stuck? I absolutely am not. But a change in my emotional state doesn't necessarily correlate with an alteration in my communication style or my expectations of adoptionland or its residents.
I also have very little tolerance for certain areas of adoptionland. I am entitled to make those boundaries to keep myself healthy while I deal with my C -PTSD and a generous helping of narcissistic abuse. IN PUBLIC.
Back to the point at hand, riddle me this. If one is so "at peace", why is one hanging about adoption support groups, talking down to the unhappies? "Well, I'm at peace, but I still have issues with adoption!" That's rather antithetical to being at peace, now isn't it? In addition, why are they belittling and scolding those who speak of being less-than-happy? Why does it bother them that some aren't there yet, or that our recovery doesn't look like theirs? Why are less-than-peaceful adoptees accused of wallowing and being stuck because they (we) are still wading through the pool of sewage that is adoption?
The whole "when you reach the other side, you'll understand" thing is simply holier-than-thou. It's conjures images of looking down noses, pointing fingers, and patting our petulant little heads, tolerating our outrageous nonsense until we "arrive" at some form of "enlightenment" or "moving on".
I don't claim to be perfect. I am dealing with my adoption in the public sphere, so that those the need to see it need only look. I have and will surely continue to make mistakes. I want to show other adoptees that it's okay to feel how you feel even if it's ugly and shattering. I'm not on a quest for peace of mind; I'm not sure I believe in it, and wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it. What I do know I believe is this: THE WAY OUT IS THROUGH. Not around, not below, and certainly not above.
As an "outsider" - a non-adoptee involved in the adoption community for 40+ years - yes. I see it all. BOTH sides diss one another. Both claim to be "evolved" - one in their "peace and happiness" and the other in recognizing the injustices. I wish it wasn't such a mudslinging battle of the words. I WISH both sides could simply accept and respect each others positions. ........... There is no doubt in my mind that adoptees are treated unjustly and have every right to their righteous indignation. I think anger is important for activism when it is properly channeled. But I have come across some adoptees who just SEETH with misdirected anger and write scathing FB posts but DO nothing politically to create change. This is useless in my opinion. Every bit as useless as those who wear blinders and see nothing wrong with adoption - who love adoption and think it's all rainbows and unicorn farts. I'm happy for them if they are blissfully happy. ....................My wish is for those who are awakened to the exploitation and corruption in adoption and the obvious denial of human rights, could temper their anger enough to speak to happy adoptees and get them to at least join the fight for access. You cannot and do not achieve that by shouting and ostracizing happy adoptees. It doesn't have to be such a dichotomy such a binary we/they thing. Adoptees you need all the support you can get. Why ostracize those who could be allies?
ReplyDeleteSo in your opinion creating awareness is useless unless you're legislating, and we all need to get along. I think you're wrong on both counts, but good to know. Have a nice life, Mirah.
DeleteI never said anything about legislating. I said activism. Each of us can do activism in our way. Dancers an dance, singers can sing. People have written and performed plays. Filmmakers have made films. There are many way of channelling our anger to make change. Many ways to educate. And if you disagree that's fine.
DeleteBut the fact that just being angry is unhealthy is far from my original thought.
Mike McMahon here. Beautiful work - why DO the happies hang around?!? Bang! as my 8 year old says.
ReplyDeleteHere’s why. Being a bastard is one of the deepest taboos of nuclear family based societies. Most adoptees are illegitimate either by birth or by being made (reborn!) adopted. Or both! But the deal is to pretend adoption legitimises you. Play the game and you get to duck the stigma of illegitimacy. But the unhappies ruin it for the happies, by even talking about adoption, let alone blowing the toilet lid off it! Now here’s a bet: the things happies say to unhappies, they say to no one else. Cos that would blow their cover and their false sense of security. Stockholm syndrome. They champion their perpetrators - especially to fellow victims who want to put those perps (and the happies’fantasy’) out of business.
But scratch deeper. Why not just ignore the unhappies. Why the strange fascination ? Grief, which your last para put so well, can not be gone round, under or over. Only through.
GRIEF: denial, bargaining, resistance , depression, acceptance.
Well if the happies have reached nirvanic acceptance they have a strange lack of understanding of others going through the same grief. Perhaps it’s because their “forgiveness” is an avoidance strategy- a pretence at acceptance so they can return to the comfort of denial. “Adoption was good for me.”
Ask any evangelical to explain The Cross and it will boil down to two actions: forgiveness of sinners by transferring their guilt to Jesus who dies to atone for that guilt. That is, their is no forgiveness without justice.
Many unhappies are indeed stuck in resistance- exhibiting a sometimes overwhelming anger. But I’ve met a unhappy who has attained acceptance, but he’s still angry. He’s working to change things. He seeks justice. But he is at peace - even happy!
So in truth, unhappies are ‘superior’ (further through their grieving) than happies -even if they still may have a way to go to reach their own experience of acceptance.
And that’s why some happies hang around unhappies - cos their stuck in denial and are fascinated with them.
The ones to really worry about are the happies in hiding...
Happy adoptees have ALWAYS existed. But the louder the angry adoptees have bene getting in more recent years, the more threatened the happy adoptees feel. It is important - politically for our movement - to understand why this is.
ReplyDeleteHappy adoptee have bought hook-line-and-sinker into the brainwashing that adoption saved their lives. They feel this to their core. They feel dependent upon their adopters for every breath they take because the message has reached them on such a deep basic psychological, subconscious level. To be anti-adoption is to cut off their very lifeline and die. Adoption saved them and continues to do so as long a they BEHAVE. We need to understand that mentality and not get angry at them, but rather feel sorry for them and their dependence.
We need to IMHO, GENTLY try to win them over to understand that they can continue to love their aps and be "good adoptees" while standing u and fighting for the right of EQUALITY and and equal access for adoptees, even if they never DARE to search!!!
The biggest overall change I have observed in the adoptee rights movement over the 40+ years I have been actively involved, is that today everyone is far more concerned with their right to express their feelings than with the goal of ridding the world of the corrupt flesh peddling adoption industry and the sate committed fraud of falsifying birth certificates. It has just become me, me, me hear me. hear my pain and anger. Anger is good when it is channeled and focused on the right enemy. When it is in-fighting, we are shooting ourselves in the foot by alienating allies.
Imagine the lGBT community of ALL they did was whine about society's lack of understanding and their marginalization.Thy'd still be marginalized! But they didn't do that. They stood up for their EQUAL RIGHTS. Yes, they are a bigger and more powerful group than we are. they have very powerful allies in Hollywood. But that is all the more reason we cannot afford to anger the possible allies we have within our movement - happy adoptees and mothers. (Besides, why be angry at those who are pathetic - be pitiful and understanding.)
In-fighting has been he downfall of this movement for decades. Anger is a good healthy stage if used for activism, not against one another. Cannot stress that enough.
Why are you adoptosplaining adoptees? You aren't one. Sit down.
DeleteI have never pretended to be. I am an ally. and I speak on behalf of my deceased daughter who cannot. I speak of what I have seen work and not. You can ignore it, that's fine.
DeleteTo achieve change to adoption laws, yes, child rights are a key point of attack. Allies are important, especially those who can get behind (not in front) of adoptees. The post above seemed to be more about the personal experience of the lifelong process of grieving and adjusting to being adopted - which never ends and I suspect approaching death is one of the hardest times to 'be' adopted. In that context, political change is kind of a tangent. Its the behaviour and lack of empathy and personal insight that seems more the focus here. Politics and ethics are related and easily get conflated, but in adoption the personal is so consuming that greater care needs to be taken by allies to clarify and stay within the context. It is hard work and there is little room for error.
Delete@Mirah
ReplyDeleteIn order to be an ally, you need to stop tearing down adoptees with powerful voices because you don't like their message.
And you don't get to speak for an adoptee that committed suicide, whether you birthed them or not.
Again, sitting down or showing unconditional support is the only action you can take here as an "ally".