When I was in the fifth grade, we got the dreaded Family Tree project in social studies. We were to learn about our ancestors and how they contributed to who we were. The importance of our lineage and its impact on our lives.
I remember raising my hand and saying, "But, Mrs. _____, I'm adopted. I don't know my family history."
"Just use the family you have," she replied, dismissing my question with a wave of her hand. "That will be good enough."
It didn't feel "good enough", but I bit my tongue and took the two huge pieces of paper with a picture of a giant tree on them. The trees had at least ten generations' worth of empty spaces in the branches for parents and grandparents. "One for rough draft, one for final," she instructed while my face felt dull and hot. "I challenge you to go as far back as you can. This is always a fun assignment." It felt like she was taking pot shots at me at that point.
I took the papers home and gave one to my "mother", hiding the second blank in my closet before she got home.
She gleefully filled it in, taking a great deal of pride in not only filling out the whole tree but also including two notebook sheets full of previous generations. All I did was copy down a bunch of names and dates she recited off.
When the day came to turn in the project, I got the blank sheet out of my closet and carried it back to school with the full one, going to the library before classes to fill it out. I didn't dare do it at home or take a chance my "mom" would see it before I turned it in.
I took a black sharpie and drew a neat, rectangular black X in each blank square. Then with a red sharpie I wrote a question mark beside each X. In the box labeled "your full name and birthday" I wrote, Name Unknown, Birthday Questionable". (I had often overheard my "mom" saying she wished she'd "chosen a different birthday for her" because my birthday being six days after her husband's and four days before hers was often inconvenient or irritating to her.)
I got a zero and my "mom" was called down to the school. Other than demanding to know why the hell I didn't turn in the one she "wasted three days on" I wasn't addressed in the principal's office. My mother apologized for my "belligerence" and "thickheadedness" and the teacher said she understood, she saw this kind of "rebellious noncompliance" all the time. "Mom" made a deal for me to turn in the page she'd done to get the grade. I said I'd rather take the zero. "Don't be ridiculous," she chided. "You don't want a zero to mess up your GPA."
I got an A++. The tree was entered in the state fair by the principal and won a blue ribbon for most complete geneology in the county. When we collected the prize money ($20), "mom" whispered to me, "Now aren't you glad I made you turn this in?"
I didn't say anything, just smiled a fake ass smile while screaming, "NO, I'M NOT" in my head over and over.
I remember raising my hand and saying, "But, Mrs. _____, I'm adopted. I don't know my family history."
"Just use the family you have," she replied, dismissing my question with a wave of her hand. "That will be good enough."
It didn't feel "good enough", but I bit my tongue and took the two huge pieces of paper with a picture of a giant tree on them. The trees had at least ten generations' worth of empty spaces in the branches for parents and grandparents. "One for rough draft, one for final," she instructed while my face felt dull and hot. "I challenge you to go as far back as you can. This is always a fun assignment." It felt like she was taking pot shots at me at that point.
I took the papers home and gave one to my "mother", hiding the second blank in my closet before she got home.
She gleefully filled it in, taking a great deal of pride in not only filling out the whole tree but also including two notebook sheets full of previous generations. All I did was copy down a bunch of names and dates she recited off.
When the day came to turn in the project, I got the blank sheet out of my closet and carried it back to school with the full one, going to the library before classes to fill it out. I didn't dare do it at home or take a chance my "mom" would see it before I turned it in.
I took a black sharpie and drew a neat, rectangular black X in each blank square. Then with a red sharpie I wrote a question mark beside each X. In the box labeled "your full name and birthday" I wrote, Name Unknown, Birthday Questionable". (I had often overheard my "mom" saying she wished she'd "chosen a different birthday for her" because my birthday being six days after her husband's and four days before hers was often inconvenient or irritating to her.)
I got a zero and my "mom" was called down to the school. Other than demanding to know why the hell I didn't turn in the one she "wasted three days on" I wasn't addressed in the principal's office. My mother apologized for my "belligerence" and "thickheadedness" and the teacher said she understood, she saw this kind of "rebellious noncompliance" all the time. "Mom" made a deal for me to turn in the page she'd done to get the grade. I said I'd rather take the zero. "Don't be ridiculous," she chided. "You don't want a zero to mess up your GPA."
I got an A++. The tree was entered in the state fair by the principal and won a blue ribbon for most complete geneology in the county. When we collected the prize money ($20), "mom" whispered to me, "Now aren't you glad I made you turn this in?"
I didn't say anything, just smiled a fake ass smile while screaming, "NO, I'M NOT" in my head over and over.
Horrifying.
ReplyDeleteBarn Wheway:
ReplyDeletewe've lived an entire life of precisely such compromise Julie. How else could we have survived? talk about self-abandonment? that's our stock in trade. We were molded into it! and they have the gall to act as if nothing out of the ordinary happened, they silently protest their innocence whilst behind the scenes deliberately orchestrating everything? they play dumb, denying all their industry. sick twisted manipulators. Brilliant post by the way: what an analogy by anecdote!
11 years old? You’ve got some serious fight in you!
ReplyDeleteI was the complete opposite - my total silence terrified my kind but lost adopters. Two conversations in a whole lifetime. The first at 5yrs when they tried to tell me I was adopted and I informed them ‘I’ve always known.’ Second 30 years later when I found my mother and I told them they could not meet her. The rest, silence. Different to you but the same - the fight for autonomy and keeping safe the little truth that’s left to us, even if it’s only the haunting vacuum of black X’s and red ?’s. Thanks again.
You were a very strong girl! I would have backed down and did what I was told. You are awesome.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I folded. I turned in the tree, took the good grade, and spent the prize money on a movie and an ice cream. I ultimately did as I was told. I always ultimately did as I was told, no matter how much I fought along the way.
ReplyDelete